Didn’t You Used To Be Funny On Twitter?

Time was, I was funny on Twitter. Not as funny as those other kids, but enough that I made it onto the Favrd leaderboard a few times, had my tweets illustrated, got published in a couple of books and won an award.

Of course, Favrd shut down and, while there’s still Favstar.fm, it’s a service that compiles what other people think are your best tweets.

These? These are the ones I like.

You know you’re in the South when “towel” has one syllable and “milk” has two.

— R.J. (@hurtling) August 11, 2009

I’m guessing the Uncool Ranch Doritos are shaped like squares.

— R.J. (@hurtling) October 10, 2010

You know what would make this pizza even better? If life wasn’t utterly bereft of meaning.

— R.J. (@hurtling) May 24, 2009

Shit. I’m down to my last Rolaid. Unless life hands me rolls, it’s going to be a long night.

— R.J. (@hurtling) July 8, 2009

Me: “Jameson and ginger, please.”Airport bartender: “Wanna make it a double?”Me: “Unless you have a triple.”

— R.J. (@hurtling) June 18, 2010

I worry we’re nearing a time when the fate of the planet could be altered by someone accidentally hitting send before typing the winkyface.

— R.J. (@hurtling) February 3, 2010

One day we’ll all look back on this and laugh nervously before changing the subject.

— R.J. (@hurtling) June 22, 2009

You know how sometimes a bee flies into your car and you almost drive off the road? It was just like that, only I was using the toilet.

— R.J. (@hurtling) April 22, 2010

This sweet nectar of the noble grape boasts a supple body, a fruit-forward nose and a bold finish. An exceptional ‘09 vintage for Nehi.

— R.J. (@hurtling) May 5, 2009

I’d hate to taste Pabst Red Ribbon.

— R.J. (@hurtling) July 18, 2009

The only thing more depressing than last call is first call.

— R.J. (@hurtling) January 21, 2010

I have the whole row to myself on this flight. Cue up that Bob Seger song while I strip down to my underwear.

— R.J. (@hurtling) June 7, 2010

Turns out Geology majors don’t find it all that amusing when you rate your erection on the Moh’s hardness scale.

— R.J. (@hurtling) September 12, 2009

I’m not apathetic. I’m just, you know … whatever.

— R.J. (@hurtling) March 1, 2010

When I see them getting out of their cars, I wonder if clowns are misunderstood and just happen to be really environmentally responsible.

— R.J. (@hurtling) August 12, 2009

I’m at a four-way stop where all four drivers keep waving each other through and nobody goes. I think they call this a Canadian stand-off.

— R.J. (@hurtling) December 14, 2010

Everyone says to shake what your momma gave you, but I can’t get my deep-seated guilt and crippling social phobia to even budge.

— R.J. (@hurtling) August 24, 2009

From the way they’re smiling and laughing, I’d say those chicks across the bar were really impressed with my Chewbacca impression.

— R.J. (@hurtling) August 1, 2009

Look, I have three wrinkled dollar bills and a Frequent Amigo card with nine out of 10 sombrero stamps. Just give me the fucking burrito.

— R.J. (@hurtling) January 26, 2010

It turns out I have my shirt on backwards and I’m wearing two different socks. I apologize for being so flamboyant with my heterosexuality.

— R.J. (@hurtling) February 8, 2010

Woman on elevator: “How are you?”Man on elevator: “I’m wonderful! Every day is a gift from God!”[awkward silence]Me: “He shouldn’t have.”

— R.J. (@hurtling) June 15, 2009

Sure, I’d feel healthier, save money, lose weight and have a renewed sense of self-worth, but if I quit drinking, what would I tweet about?

— R.J. (@hurtling) July 10, 2009

I suck at self-deprecation.

— R.J. (@hurtling) May 25, 2009

Her: “I think your self-loathing is all just an act.”Me: “God, I hate how transparent I am.”

— R.J. (@hurtling) June 12, 2009

There are six empty boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in my trash. Unrelated: There is one unopened box of condoms in the drawer beside my bed.

— R.J. (@hurtling) May 15, 2009

‘Tis the season to be jolly. And also to ever-so-gently tug that partially digested tinsel out of your cat’s butthole.

— R.J. (@hurtling) December 14, 2009

This karaoke machine could use more Mogwai.

— R.J. (@hurtling) May 31, 2009

I’m glad I went into the ballet with an open mind. “Swan Lake” is hands down the best bestiality-themed dance performance I’ve seen all day.

— R.J. (@hurtling) June 22, 2010

World travel taught me that no matter where we’re from or what our ethnic heritage is, once we board a plane we’re all equally insufferable.

— R.J. (@hurtling) September 26, 2009

So I’m leaving China this afternoon to return to the States. I assume there’s a kiosk at the airport where I get my happy ending, right?

— R.J. (@hurtling) September 26, 2009

Decades of fried rice orders led me to believe communication with the people of China would be a lot more conveniently numbered than this.

— R.J. (@hurtling) September 21, 2009

I know Hong Kong is more Westernized than the rest of China, but do you think it’s safe to assume they don’t go pee pee in your Coke here?

— R.J. (@hurtling) September 15, 2009