Hurtling Toward the Void

The Kraftwerk Comedy Hour

This was written several years ago by my friend and colleague Curtis Ross. I’m posting it here because I just found it among some old files and it’s goddamn brilliant.

THE KRAFTWERK COMEDY HOUR (Tuesdays, 9 p.m. EST, ABC-TV, Summer replacement series, 1978)

FLORIAN: Ralf, you are wearing one red sock and one blue sock.

RALF: Yes. I have a second pair which is identical.

(LAUGHTER)

FLORIAN: End laughter now.

____

THE KRAFTWERK COMEDY HOUR (Tuesdays, 9 p.m., ABC-TV, summer replacement series 1978)

RALF: Cher now will sing.

(Cher performs “Half-Breed and then joins Kraftwerk for a medley of train songs, including her own “Train of Thought” and Kraftwerk’s ”Trans-Europe Express.”)

CHER: It’s great to be here, guys!

(Ralf and Florian stare blankly)

RALF: Cher, your marriage to Gregg Allman was of an extremely short duration.

(Audience laughs)

FLORIAN: Your previous husband Sonny Bono often appeared as a buffoon. The marriage also failed.

CHER: …

(Audience laughs; applause)

____

THE KRAFTWERK COMEDY HOUR (Tuesdays, 9 p.m. EST, ABC-TV, Summer replacement series, 1978)

FLORIAN: Knock knock.

RALF: Who is there.

FLORIAN: Florian.

RALF: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

____

Excerpt from “RALF!,” an issues-oriented afternoon talk show. First aired April 23, 1982.

ANNOUNCER: “What you’ll talk about tomorrow, we’re talking about today on RALF! Please welcome your host, RALF!”

RALF: Discontinue applause. Thank you. My guest today is Helen Gurley Brown, editor of Cosmopolitan, who will talk about the current issue and its feature article, “7 Sex Secrets To Drive Your Man Wild.” Guest will proceed to the stage.

(Brown enters to applause and takes the seat facing Ralf.)

RALF: This article is quite ridiculous. There are no secrets to men’s sexual wishes. Men want to be brought to climax as swiftly as possible and then to go to sleep. Or possibly to have a snack. This silliness involving the lingerie and the massaging and the oils and feather dusters is nonsense. You have wasted our time and will please leave the stage.

HELEN GURLEY BROWN: …

RALF: Tomorrow’s guest is the author of a best-selling diet book which also is extremely useless. To lose weight you must consume fewer calories than you are burning. There is no other method and this information would hardly fill a book. Yet it has been written, published and many of you have purchased it. You are ridiculous people.

We seem to have a great deal of time left. The audience will remain seated or staring at their television screens until the end of the hour.