December 2010
15 posts
Confirmed
Your friends’ Facebook status updates don’t get appreciably more entertaining when you sing them to the tune of the “Fattening Up Our Tapeworms” song from “Kids In the Hall.”
You’re welcome.
1 tag
Days like this I really miss Keith Starky
You guys, don't ever go hang out with...
She’ll give you awesome gifts, and tell you jokes about short ribs and buttsex, and get you drunk on delicious beers, and make you a comfy bed, and provide you with your own toothbrush, and make sure you get up for work on time.
Trust me. It’s a trap.
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-12-19) →
The Rolling Stones (31)
Broken Social Scene (31)
R.E.M. (30)
Pixies (28)
Wilco (28)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
2 tags
I should probably be going to bed anyway
Bright House Networks Customer Service Specialist: "Thank you for calling Bright House. My name's Christy. How can I help you?"
Me: "Hi, Christy. Um, I've been on hold for 25 minutes, so if I sound angry I apologize."
Christy: "I'm sorry. We've had an unusually high volume of calls this morning."
Me: "Yeah, I figured. I mean, it's cool except that you guys only have one song on your hold music, and it just plays over and over until you're on the verge of just completely losing your will to live."
Christy: "Oh."
Me: "Yeah. It's this cheesy instrumental guitar track that sounds like something they'd play over the extended forecast graphics on the Weather Channel or something. It's in D, and for the first four bars all you get is D, again and again, and then finally in the middle of the fifth bar, there's a G chord and you're like, 'OH HAI, G!' It's such a relief, you know? But as soon as you start thinking about planning a welcoming party for your new pal G, you realize what's coming, and you're like, 'Oh, god, no, please don't let it be B-minor and A! Please!' and as soon as you think it, it becomes real. There they are, B-minor and A, marching predictably down the stairs back to D. And then it starts all over again, four times during the course of the song, and I listened to the song eight times. I mean, that's 32 brushes up against the mundane charade of human existence, you know?"
Christy: "OK, sir. I'm sorry, is there something I can help you with?"
Me: "You mean with my Bright House service, right?"
Christy: "Yes, sir."
Me: "Well, my Internet is out."
Christy: "Yes, sir, we're showing an temporary outage in your area. It should be resolved within the hour and I've credited your account $25 for the inconvenience. Is there anything else I can help you with this morning?"
Me: "Erm. Unless you can do anything about that song, um ... I suppose not."
Christy: "Great. Thank you for calling Bright House and have a wonderful day."
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-12-12) →
Reigning Sound (19)
The Geraldine Fibbers (18)
Okkervil River (17)
Yo La Tengo (14)
The Smiths (14)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
How could I have ever left her?
My dentist: "I haven't seen you in ..."
Me: "Yeah, five years."
My dentist: "What happened?"
Me: "I got distracted. Probably saw a squirrel."
My dentist: "Be honest. Is there someone else?"
Me: "Look. It wasn't you, it was me."
My dentist: "Of course. It was always about you. But what about my needs?"
Me: "I'm sorry. I had to be true to myself. The mouth wants what the mouth wants."
My dentist: "Seriously, have you at least had a cleaning somewhere?"
Me: "I've been keeping very regular appointments with Dr. Toothbrush and Dr. Floss."
My dentist: "Well, from the look of your X-Rays, it's time to meet Dr. Root Canal."
hurtling
janetisserlis:
almost tumbled down the back steps this morning getting to the car to try to find himself’s cell phone. as I was almost falling, as I just caught myself and found my balance, the verb hurtling came to mind and I thought of Rommie.
the end
I imagine there are a lot of women who remember me just when they almost made a painful mistake.
Living Without The Nose Out Of Respect For The...
My grandfather was a well-known Baptist minister who commanded as much respect with his deeply principled actions as he did with his low, booming voice. My mother, his daughter, revered him as much as anyone and eventually grew up to work tirelessly for 30 years at a nearby Lutheran church where the pastor’s humility and compassion reminded her of her father’s own ministry. From the...